By Alicia of alburnet.wordpress.com
She’s barely been alive for two and a half years and she’s already been gender-checked. Several times. Though we’d come to expect “Princess Pink” paraphernalia from well meaning relatives, my husband and I had resolved to let our daughter pick out the things that she wanted. Turns out, she actually likes pink, sparkly, Hello Kitty type stuff. But you know what? She also likes things that are listed as being “boy” things. So, we let her wear what she wants. Superman shirt? Go for it. Sparkly crown? Let’s wear it to the park, baby! Fake necklaces and Dora shoes are some of her favorite apparel. And most of the people who had things to say about what girls should wear were adults. “Hey, look at the little fella! How old is he?” they’d ask. When I replied “Oh, she’s ….” they might say “Oh, she’s a girl! Sorry, I didn’t see any pink anywhere…” while looking for bows or other gender identifying apparel.
Therefore, it was a big surprise to my husband when, one day, while out on the playground, he encountered a little girl – perhaps three – who demanded to know why he let his son wear Dora shoes.
“Why is he wearing Dora shoes?!” this child asked, with all the gravitas of Judge Judy. “Dora shoes are for girls!”
“Well, first of all,” my husband answered, “Boys can wear Dora shoes if they want. See, it has Dora and Boots on it. Dora is a girl and Boots is a boy – so anybody could wear these shoes. Second of all, she is a girl…she’s just wearing a Superman shirt today because she likes Superman.” The child seemed satisfied, if not a little skeptical, of his explanation, and ran off back to the sandbox. Later, my husband admitted to me that he wasn’t quite sure what to say – and that he was taken aback by the notion that at such a young age, gender typing had been so heavily impressed upon this kid.
And already, my daughter has begun saying “That’s a girl pumpkin” or “That’s a boy toy” when checking out the Halloween displays at our local Wal-Mart, deciding the gender of items based on their coloring. She knows that girls talk with a high-pitched voice, and guys talk with a low-pitched voice. (Although, imagine my chagrin when she pointed at a cashier and asked, loudly, “Why she talkin’ like Mickey Mouse for?!”) She knows that girls generally wear dresses, and boys generally don’t. This, however, doesn’t stop her from playing with Batman action figures, putting dress up dresses on her Daddy doll, or using a low voice to pretend to be Daddy or Grandpa.
So what to do? How do I teach my child to be comfortable with herself, and to understand societal norms, without convincing her that she must adhere to those societal norms to be “right”? I think about all the hubbub that arose over Sandra Bullock allowing her son to play with a doll clad in a pink jumper. And while I want to guard her from the sort of craziness – because that’s just what it is, craziness – that dictates what toys a child can and can’t play with based on their genitalia, on many levels, I want her to fit in! Ultimately, I want her to be the kid who is comfortable being herself and who doesn’t judge the people that other playground denizens are. I don’t want her to be the kid saying that boys can’t wear Dora shoes – but I don’t want her to think that liking girly things is bad.
It’s a tough balancing act, and I’m never sure that I’m doing “what’s right”, but so far, discussions have gone well. I wasn’t sure what to tell her when she asked me if I had a wife. I think I went with something like “Well, I have a husband, because boys are called ‘husbands’ when they get married, and girls are called ‘wives’. If I married a girl, then I would have a wife. But I married a boy, so I have a husband. And Daddy married a girl, me, so he has a wife,” and tried generally to avoid implying that only husbands-and-wives belonged together. Besides that, I ask lots of questions about how she sees gender. Why do you think that pumpkin is a girl? Who’s cooking dinner in your dollhouse tonight, Mommy or Daddy?
Gahhh. Why is parenting so hard?
Just have to say that I think you’re doing a tremendous job with daughter. The bottom line is you are actively trying to raise a person who thinks for themselves and who will be less judgmental.
(On a side note, I also think the pink rooms with Hello Kitty everything is too much–unless a child specifically asks for all that you want to indulge them…and even then I worry that it’s the outside world, e.g. family, friends and tv, that start those associations. Pink was not even considered a feminine color until a few centuries ago, but that’s another conversation…)
I don’t have any children of my own yet. However, I taught high school for several years and my biggest fear about the gender-role obsession is that it starts out innocent, but has real consequences for the careers and possibilities children imagine for themselves…
Thoroughly enjoyed this post.
Forgive the typos from typing quickly and my MAC’s forced changes…
I have a 2 year old with 2 older and 1 younger brother. We’ve never pushed any gender roles on her or any of them really. She likes what she likes, which in our case is the pinks and purples, dolls and purses and nail polish but it’s also trucks, Legos and Thomas the Tank Engine. I’m not into any of that but she is so I buy it for her.
I loved the explanation that your husband gave to the little girl but I think it’s an assumption that gender roles are pushed on her. Perhaps she noticed that all of the Dora stuff is always in the girls section of her local store.
I took my son to a community playplace a few days back and there was a young boy — maybe 4 — singing in a falsetto voice and wearing a tutu. I kind of looked around to see how the other parents and kids would react. And no one batted an eye! It was refreshing to me because I do think we need to move away from these very heavily gendered expectations in play.
I think there is a time and a place where gender matters (I’ve been reading about how different teaching styles bring about different results for boys and girls), but I think that, when it comes to the type of toys a kid wants to play with, it doesn’t matter at all.
Keep up the good work! I hate that kids have to deal with gender dynamics so young. I wish people would let kids be kids. If Timmy wants to wear a tutu, let him. If Tasha wants a fire truck, let her at it. They’re just toys. Objects. Nothing more.
This handsome,I mean beautiful,I mean best all around baby is my granddaughter. She is an absolute jewel. Kudos to her mom and dad for allowing her to be free to discover life in an unbiased way.
… thanks mom…
I’m glad you liked it! You know I learn from the best!
i love black. black baby clothes are even harder to find, so when i found a batman swimming costume (cape, cap and all) i snapped it up. since that day, baby at her swimming school (she’s been going since she was 7 months) is now known as the Batman Baby to the older kids. no questions asked about gender or age… she’s just the Batman Baby
i applaud you for your Supergirl! keep it up!
I get asked if my daughter, dressed head to foot in a pink snow suit, is a boy all the time. How old is he? SHE’S 3 months, I say, then sit back and watch them writhe. Far worse is being asked if I’m the baby sitter. She’s a couple shades lighter than me, so I get it I guess. But it still cuts to the quick.