Pictures have surfaced of Sandra Bullock’s son Louis, who she adopted from New Orleans in January 2010, playing with a brown doll dressed in pink clothing.
The response to the images has been pretty negative, especially since the issue of cross-racial adoption is already pretty touchy in the black community. Blogger Sandra Rose was unequivocal in her response,
“Gender neutral folks believe their children will benefit from not being pigeon-holed into a gender specific role. Like most popular fads that come and go, the gender neutrality fad has no intrinsic value or benefit in child development.
The gender neutral movement is another tool in the Gay Agenda arsenal to brainwash innocent children into believing homosexuality and transgender people are normal.”
I mean, I would argue that homosexual and transgender people are normal… but I digress.
I don’t know Sandra Bullock and I don’t know her son. I don’t know her parenting philosophy. But I think the issue of gender expectations is one that parents sometimes grapple with.
I love dancing, and have been taking ballet, jazz and hip hop classes on and off since I was 14. Knowing the benefits of dancing first hand — the way it strengthens and tones the body, creates a sense of self-possession and autonomy, releases endorphins — I was eager to introduce my own children to it when the time came. When I was pregnant, I swore up and down it was a girl… I could FEEL it. So when the boy bits showed up on the ultrasound, I was a bit stunned. But it didn’t change my desire to introduce my children to dance.
I once casually mentioned it to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. They were not amused. “People are going to laugh at him,” my MIL said. To warm my family up to the idea of my son taking dance one day, I enrolled him in an infant gymnastics class. The plan is to gradually transition him to dance when he’s of age. From there his level of interest will determine whether or not we continue.
In putting my son in a dance class, I am making a choice on his behalf. I am informing his gender expectations. He will assume that there’s nothing wrong with a boy learning ballet or jazz dance. Some would argue that that is dangerous.
I am *assuming* (though I am not sure) that some of my MIL’s pushback is an implicit fear that putting Noah in dance classes might inform his sexuality. That it could turn him gay. That same fear is evident many of the online comments I read about Louis and his doll.
But is that how sexuality and gender work? If you take a boy and put him in an activity that is traditionally viewed as feminine, are you making him gay?
I don’t think the answers are necessarily easy. We do so much on behalf of our children. We shape their ideas of male and female because we love them and we want them to be healthy and ‘normal’. Perhaps we fear that if we veer from traditional paths we’ll “mess them up.” But children are complex.
I once went on a play date at the home of a mommy friend with 5 children; Four beautiful girls and a son, the youngest, who is 22 months old. She is married to a tall, dedicated, manly man who is the ‘alpha male’ in his circle of influence. We were chatting one day when she casually said, “My son plays with his sister’s dolls.” She went on to share that she had no fear attached to that fact, even though her husband did. “He buys him trucks and stuff, trying to get him to stop playing with dolls.” Her conclusion? Her son played with dolls because that’s what he saw his sisters doing, and he was influenced by them. She didn’t ascribe any further value to his actions, or assume they were tied to his sexuality.
I find it interesting, too, that if a boy plays with a doll, or an easy bake oven, he’s not seen as compassionate or creative. He’s feared to be gay. But if a girl plays with a truck or a basketball, she might be seen as strong and independent. Are the values we ascribe fair?
The issue is certainly complex. And I really don’t have many answers. As I mentioned earlier, I do not know Sandra Bullock or her son, or her parenting support group, so I can’t judge them. All I can do is use the photo to launch a discussion.
What are your thoughts ladies? Does your child’s behavior ever challenge traditional boundaries of gender? How do you deal with it?
Her son is beautiful and any negative reaction to his doll is foolish. I love his little haircut. He’s not dressed as a girl or otherwise rpesenting himself in a feminine manner (something I wouldn’t be comfortable with unless I thought my child was transgender). It’s just a toy.
I think Sesame Street actually hit it right with this subject – there’s an episode in which Baby Bear finally reveals (after much fear and trepidation) that he enjoys playing with his baby doll. So…in case you were nervous, there are spoilers in this post… Once his “secret” is out, Gordon affirms his play choice, telling him that playing with a doll now will help him learn how to be a great daddy later. Then it turns out that his playmate (in this case, Telly) also really enjoys hanging with the baby doll.(http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/theshow/episodes/baby-bears-baby-doll)/. This is my point – there is absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging kids to copy the positive things they see their parents doing. My daughter pretends to talk on the phone like me. She pretends to swing a hammer like me. She pretends to cook dinner like me. And she pretends to take care of her baby like she sees me taking care of her. Why should it be any different for a little boy to emulate either his mother OR his father?
This Sandra Rose person sounds like a total idiot.
Never mind. I read the article. She is an idiot.
I thought that Bullock’s son was adorable; clothing, haircut, and all. My 2 year old son does not push gender boundaries, he loves trucks, music, and books. I can’t recall him ever playing with a baby doll, but if he did, I wouldn’t mind. I’ve been told by his Early Intervention therapist that boys who play with dolls are likely to become better fathers, and I have also read about this as well. I can understand that. Now, would I let my son wear a dress or dress up as a princess? Absolutely not. I would tell him that those things are strictly for females. As a Muslim, I believe that God has specific gender roles for both males and females. I also disagree with people being homosexual or “choosing/picking” their gender(transgender), or the fact that aome parents will let their son “be” a girl, or vice versa.
Alisa, I would like to respectfully disagree.
Though I do believe that people cannot “choose or pick” their gender or sexuality, as you stated, I also believe that society shouldn’t be allowed to dictate what that gender is. In today’s society, some things that are now reserved for girls (like the color pink, wearing dresses, or the name “Ashley”) used to be reserved for boys – a la FDR’s adorable little dress back in 1884 (http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html?c=y&page=1). I have a daughter who enjoys wearing Superman and Dora, and I’m going to let her do that because I don’t think that other people have a right to determine which one is for boys and which one is for girls. I think in this sense, many people who are wearing girly things now would not have been thought to be wearing girly things in the past – and that peeps should wear/do/act the way that is most comfortable to them.
While I completely respect your religious position, and your personal choice not to let your son dress up as a princess, I don’t find fault with other parents who do – like this mom who let her son dress up as Daphne for a Halloween party and basically broke the internet. (http://nerdyapple.com/my-son-is-gay/) (Sorry for posting the full link, I don’t know how to embed them in the comments section.)
The rapper Macklemore has a song about acceptance of same sex relationships, and in the beginning he talks about how when he was young he thought he was gay because he kept his room neat, liked art and had an uncle who was gay.
I mean, what is the world coming to if kids who clearly are heterosexual think they aren’t… because of things they DO. Because of their hobbies and interests. I think it speaks to how strongly we shape gender expectations and how rigid we can be!
I also think about that episode of the Boondocks when Riley finds out that his idol, Gangstalicious, is gay, and he starts crying because he believes that he’s gay too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_N3YwnJjZc
It’s hilarious/sad, but a great commentary.
As far as I know, being gay means you exclusively have sex with people who are the same gender as you or lust after people who are the same gender as you. If these kids aren’t doing that, then they’re not gay… Seems pretty cut and dry to me.
These kids have a long way to go before they start worrying about that stuff… Let the kids be kids.
Lord knows we need strong male figures in general. We need men who know how to be good dads. We need to start showing them how early. This is not a “woman’s job” anymore.
Pingback: My Daughter Is Mistaken For a Boy All the Time… And it Doesn’t Bother Me | Baby & Blog
I will be honest and say that I don’t see a thing wrong with the concept of girl’s toys and activities vs boy’s toys and activities. I also reject the notion that we should choose our sex/gender. BUT, there are some things that are gender neutral. If a parent is worried about their son playing with a doll then why not allow him to play with it pretending to be a dad? If he wants to dress in girls clothes then allow it as play or pretend time. This doesn’t mean you are encouraging a child to be the opposite sex. They’re just playing. Why would a parent have a problem with their son pretending to be a girl but it’s on to pretend to be a monster?
I had a cousin who played dolls with my sister in the early 70′s. He was asked why he was playing with the dolls and he said that he wanted to be a daddy. He now has 3 beautiful daughters and a beautiful grandson. I believe the fear of our children *becoming* or *developing* homosexual tendencies keeps us in a bind. Sure, I *may have been* a little concerned if my son wanted to wear pink dresses to school, but should I be concerned that my daughter does not want to wear pink dresses to school? No. There are more pressing issues.
Even if a parent is cruel enough to cast judgment and punish their son for wanting to play with dolls, they can never stop a child from being gay or the gender the brain tells them to be. What those pparentswwill end up with is a child who resents them.