My husband and I had known each other for just a year before we decided to tie the knot. Soon after that, we had a little one on the way. It all happened so fast. And after moving in together and seeing the people we really were, there were times we bumped heads and disagreed, usually leading to loud arguments.
When we had intense arguments during my first pregnancy I knew that our little one, though in the womb, felt and heard everything that was going on whether she understood it or not. Shortly after our second child was born, we finally realized that arguing in front of our children was not helpful to our family as a whole. Children learn by following the examples set by those around them. As parents, we realized that we should always be conscious of our actions and words around our children.
Here are the reasons we stopped arguing in front of our children;
1. Arguments frighten children
Growing up when I heard my parents argue, the first feeling that came over me was fear. I didn’t know or understand what exactly was going on. All I knew is that I didn’t feel good. I usually hid in a separate room until things calmed down. Even when I thought things were calm, if I then asked a question of either parent, I could still feel the flames in their response, so I learned to keep my distance altogether.
Sometimes as parents we get so caught up in our own emotions and feelings that we forget there are little ones watching who can feel those same emotions. And they are too young to understand that, even though mommy and daddy may argue, they still love each other at the end of the day.
2. Children feel forced to take sides
After witnessing a fight, children will begin to take sides, and they usually choose to stay away from the parent that seems most aggressive in the arguments. They will cling to the parent who seems the most vulnerable and innocent. This is not good! This will then cause friction between the child and the parent they see as more aggressive. They will begin to assume that that parent will take that same aggressive stance towards them, causing loyalty and trust to diminish.
3. ‘Mommy and Daddy do it, so can I’
Children are like sponges. They can and will imitate anything that looks and seems normal. If arguing and having disagreements are normal in your house, they will conclude that it’s ok to act out their feelings by yelling or going back and forth with their siblings or friends at school. They might even begin to communicate aggressively with you.
Children learn to manage conflicts based on how we manage our conflicts. My husband and I try our best to discuss important matters behind closed doors when the children are asleep. We have a large family, so ears are always open.
4. Even if you fight using “code words”, children can pick up on them
Our children are smart and they can pick up on a lot of things. Often times when my husband and I are talking, we notice our children are staring at us and listening intently.
5. A home should be a place of respect and security
The environment in your house should be a place of security, growth, and love. Not hostility and disrespect. At the end of the day you want your children to respect you both as parents. If they respect you first, they will learn to respect other people.
Ladies, how do you manage conflict in your home?
Kim is the author of Reboryn where she discovers what it means to be a woman of GOD, wife,mother, daughter, sister, friend and entrepreneur.
Wow. I was nodding my head in strong agreement as I read this. And I honestly think it goes hand-in-hand with Alicia B’s recent post on spanking.
http://babyandblog.net/2014/03/3-reasons-i-dont-spank/
I grew up in a household that was argument-heavy and spanking-heavy, and I think the two things were connected. My parents had a very difficult marriage, and we had front row seats — starting at the age of 4 — to their many fights. The tone it set in our household was *terrible*, truly horrible. My parents were always upset with each other, which spilled over into them being always upset with us. The worst of it was they were both in ministry and — feeling the need to set a ‘good example’ for the Christian communities they led — they brushed their behavior under the rug, refused to get counseling for it, and refused to even let other people see it happen. The repercussions of this emotionally violent behavior is still being felt in our family some two and a half decades later — and probably will be for a long time. And to this day I have a phobia of churches (lol… it’s kind of funny, but not really) and a high distrust of religious officials.
I commented on Alicia’s post that I have no will to spank my children. And after seeing how devastating arguing in front of children can be, I also have *no will* to fight in front of my son. I actually did a year of therapy after the birth of my son. I was so scared — even paranoid — about repeating my parent’s mistakes.
Today, my husband and I make a point to keep our home as *peaceful* as possible. We do not fight in front of our son and, even behind closed doors, we do our best to “fight fair” — presenting our feelings clearly without veering into name calling or verbal abuse.
How brave of you to share your story, Leila. It really ministered to me. I think most couples know it’s not good to argue in front of their children, but it can be hard to stop. It takes a strong person to talk things out calmly, and not allow your emotions to get the best of you.
I remember speaking with a woman who said her first husband was a complete jerk. They had one son together, and were married for about ten years. She said she refused to argue with him in front of her son, and she never did. She wanted him to grow up in a peaceful environment. Because of her Catholic faith, she refused to seek a divorce from her husband, despite their bad marriage. She said when he came to her one day admitting that he had an affair and was going to divorce her and be with the other woman, she silently thanked God.
But, she said she was so proud of the fact that she was able to bring her son up in peace, despite however cruel or mean her husband was, she simply refused to argue with him. I think of her story often when I feel the temptation to argue. It does require a lot of strength! Now, I have this article as another piece of encouragement, and I thank you Kim and Leila.
Wow! Thank You as well for sharing Leila! It’s something you said that stood out to me and brought me back to my childhood experiences. We were brought up in the church growing up too and right before church there would be yelling, fussing, us getting in trouble for who knows what? But as soon as we got to church you would never know it. We always seemed like we had it together as a family in the public but behind closed doors was another story. The rule was “what goes on in the house stays in the house.” lol Sorry to say my husband and I say this to my oldest
when we don’t want her telling allllllllllllll our business! But all the more reason as parents we try not to discuss “grown folks business” in front of them. Bad or good!
I’m glad you got something out of my little reflection
It’s not something I talk about alot because it’s still a sore spot for me personally, and in the context of my family.
That’s another reason I love this blog
It heartens me to know that there are other mothers who are so committed to being reflective and thoughtful about how they parent.
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