She Get It From Her Mama: How Low Self Esteem Can Be Passed Down from Mother to Daughter

“Shrinking Women”, by Lily Myers.

If you haven’t heard this poem, take a second and go listen to/watch it.

I’ll wait.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I know a person who has always been thinner than I was and when I was in high school she was definitely thinner, and I thought, cuter.  And she would always complain about how fat she was getting, or what boobs she wasn’t getting, or how unattractive she was.  This made me supremely uncomfortable.  I mean, what are you supposed to do when the girl skinnier than you can’t stop telling you how fat she is.  “Okay, kid,” I remember saying.  “If you’re getting chubby, that makes me a whale.”  She was quick to reassure me that my appearance was just fine.  I was curvier, so, of course I should be heavier.  Still, no matter how much she told me she thought I was cute, I couldn’t help but worry that maybe I was too heavy.

Of course, now, 15 years older and nearly 80lbs heavier, I look back on old pictures of myself – all 5’ 7”, 120lbs – I think “WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?!”  Partially, I wonder that because of the outfits I was wearing back in 1999 (that the kids are beginning to wear again, what?!).  But mainly, I wonder that because I’m trying to determine how to keep my daughter from falling victim to a vicious case of “I wish I looked likes”.

I once heard, and I’m kicking myself because I don’t remember where now, that when little girls look to their mothers they see a perfect person – perfect face, perfect smile, perfect body – and, a perfect reflection of themselves.  And when Mother begins to criticize herself – her weight, her teeth, her hips – it does just as much damage as if Mother had criticized the looks of the little girl herself.  I mean, if I get my face, my smile, my eyes from you and you don’t think you look good, then obviously that must mean…

What?!

No.

Yes?  Yes.  It’s a good old fashioned case of modeled behaviors.  According to studies in 2008 and 2009, mothers with eating issues are more likely to have daughters with eating issues (The Telegraph, 2009).  Even if a mother talks her daughter up (you’re so pretty, you’re so smart, what a great smile you have…) if she talks negatively about herself, that’s what her daughter will absorb (USA Today, 2013).  So when a mom thinks negatively about her own body – or when a grandmother, sister, or aunt talks negatively about her own body, her daughter picks it up.

Of course, media images don’t help either.  (Check out Dove’s Onslaught video.)  Young girls are bombarded daily with pictures in magazines, television, and movies either showing us what we’re supposed to look like or telling us that what we look like isn’t firm, smooth, silky, bouncy, white, , thin, or plump enough as they are.  And despite the fact that we know these views are unreasonable (and, most likely, Photoshopped), we can’t seem to help paying attention.  We’ve all heard of the famous doll study in which Black children picked White dolls over Black dolls.  But overwhelming evidence suggests – happily or sadly, depending upon your perspective – that it’s not Barbie that most informs a kid’s view of herself, it is Mommy herself.

So what to do?  Well, according to Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If . . .: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies–Even When We Don’t Love Our Own  mom’s attitude about her own body really does matter (SheKnows.com, 2011).  And if modeled behaviors can get us into this mess, it can get us out.  Do not criticize yourself aloud – not to your daughter, not near your daughter, not within earshot of your daughter.  Don’t talk about weight – not your weight, not her weight, not that woman across the street’s weight.  And if you do want to or need to lose weight, in order to get healthy, by all means, work on that – but this doesn’t need to be something to point out to your daughter.  Making healthy food choices is something everyone in the family should be involved in, not stressed out about.  If you want to exercise more, again, stressing the “to get healthy” part, then involve your kid in the stretching and running.

And absolutely say something positive about yourself, it will encourage her to do so as well.

About Alicia W

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