A couple months ago I went on a Navy Pier boat ride for a friend’s birthday. She was using it as an opportunity to introduce her friends to her new boyfriend, a conservative doctor who lived just outside of Chicago. As we all made small talk, I mentioned that my husband was at home with our son.
“I’m off on the weekends. My husband watches Noah so that I can decompress,” I explained.
The look on the doctor’s face was one of absolute horror. “No, no, no, no, no! Mm-mmm, that doesn’t work for me. You won’t catch me watching a baby. That’s what nannies are for. That’s not what husbands are for.”
He continued this tirade even after I explained to him that I work from home with a baby — which is exhausting — and that I am the primary breadwinner for my family. But the notion of a husband staying at home with a baby, even on the weekend, was still thoroughly offensive to him.
As women we don’t engage in enough self-care, and we are often made to feel ashamed or unreasonable when we voice our needs. That’s when I think it’s important for our partners to step in and act as advocates on our behalf.
But the idea that I can be outspoken about everything else — politics, economics, women’s rights — but fail to vocalize my own need is a bit confusing to my husband. I have to explain that I suffer from the Superwoman Syndrome and don’t always know how to be an advocate for myself, even when I’m under duress.
I’ve been challenging myself to speak up when I need help and showing my husband ways that he can support me. For example, we recently decided to alternate taking Noah to his checkups (instead of me having to do it every time) and to set aside funds for regular vacations so that I get a much-needed break from the daily grind.
But I think that the process of teaching my husband to support me when I feel overwhelmed, and teaching myself to speak up when am drowning in responsibility, will take some time.
What about you ladies? Do you feel that you get enough support from your partner? How do you communicate to him that you need help?
My partner is hands on with our son, but I still shoulder 90% of the responsibilities(bath time, feeding, changing diapers, dealing with tantrums, taking him to doctor appointments and communicating with his speech therapist and Early Interventionist, etc).I think that he doesn’t feel the need to handle so much of the responsibilities because I enjoy doing most of the work(I am of the mentality that if I can’t do it, no one can…not even his own father!). While I do enjoy being so hands on with our son, there are times when I need a break. I do not know to communicate this to my partner without him feeling like I am calling him out for not being so hands on, as if he is a bad father, nor do I want him to think that I don’t enjoy being a mother…
Thanks for this post. You’ve touched on a hugely important topic, it’s something we need to discuss more, first as women, but also as partners.
My husband isn’t perfect, but there have been many times he’s asked me why I don’t ask him for help when it’s clear I need it.
Don’t know why exactly, but it is hard to voice that need.